Chapter XXIII
 
WELL, all day him and the king was hard at it, rigging up a stage and a
curtain and a row of candles for footlights; and that night the house was
jam full of men in no time. When the place couldn't hold no more, the duke
he quit tending door and went around the back way and come on to the stage
and stood up before the curtain and made a little speech, and praised up
this tragedy, and said it was the most thrillingest one that ever was; and
so he went on abragging about the tragedy, and about Edmund Kean the
Elder, which was to play the main principal part in it; and at last when
he'd got everybody's expectations up high enough, he rolled up the
curtain, and the next minute the king come a-prancing out on all fours,
naked; and he was painted all over, ringstreaked-and-striped, all sorts of
colors, as splendid as a rainbow. And-but never mind the rest of his
outfit; it was just wild, but it was awful funny. The people most killed
themselves laughing; and when the king got done capering and capered off
behind the scenes, they roared and clapped and stormed and hawhawed till
he come back and done it over again, and after that they made him do it
another time. Well, it would make a cow laugh to see the shines that old
idiot cut.
Then the duke he lets the curtain down, and bows to the people, and
says the great tragedy will be performed only two nights more, on accounts
of pressing London engagements, where the seats is all sold already for it
in Drury Lane; and then he makes them another bow, and says if he has
succeeded in pleasing them and instructing them, he will be deeply
obleeged if they will mention it to their friends and get them to come and
see it.
Twenty people sings out:
"What, is it over? Is that ALL?"
The duke says yes. Then there was a fine time. Everybody sings out,
"Sold!" and rose up mad, and was a-going for that stage and them
tragedians. But a big, fine looking man jumps up on a bench and shouts:
"Hold on! Just a word, gentlemen." They stopped to listen. "We are
sold-mighty badly sold. But we don't want to be the laughing stock of this
whole town, I reckon, and never hear the last of this thing as long as we
live. NO. What we want is to go out of here quiet, and talk this show up,
and sell the REST of the town! Then we'll all be in the same boat. Ain't
that sensible?" ("You bet it is!-the jedge is right!" everybody sings
out.) "All right, then-not a word about any sell. Go along home, and
advise everybody to come and see the tragedy."
Next day you couldn't hear nothing around that town but how splendid
that show was. House was jammed again that night, and we sold this crowd
the same way. When me and the king and the duke got home to the raft we
all had a supper; and by and by, about midnight, they made Jim and me back
her out and float her down the middle of the river, and fetch her in and
hide her about two mile below town.
The third night the house was crammed again-and they warn't new-comers
this time, but people that was at the show the other two nights. I stood
by the duke at the door, and I see that every man that went in had his
pockets bulging, or something muffled up under his coat-and I see it
warn't no perfumery, neither, not by a long sight. I smelt sickly eggs by
the barrel, and rotten cabbages, and such things; and if I know the signs
of a dead cat being around, and I bet I do, there was sixty-four of them
went in. I shoved in there for a minute, but it was too various for me; I
couldn't stand it. Well, when the place couldn't hold no more people the
duke he give a fellow a quarter and told him to tend door for him a
minute, and then he started around for the stage door, I after him; but
the minute we turned the corner and was in the dark he says:
"Walk fast now till you get away from the houses, and then shin for the
raft like the dickens was after you!"
I done it, and he done the same. We struck the raft at the same time,
and in less than two seconds we was gliding down stream, all dark and
still, and edging towards the middle of the river, nobody saying a word. I
reckoned the poor king was in for a gaudy time of it with the audience,
but nothing of the sort; pretty soon he crawls out from under the wigwam,
and says:
"Well, how'd the old thing pan out this time, duke?" He hadn't been
up-town at all.
We never showed a light till we was about ten mile below the village.
Then we lit up and had a supper, and the king and the duke fairly laughed
their bones loose over the way they'd served them people. The duke says:
"Greenhorns, flatheads! I knew the first house would keep mum and let
the rest of the town get roped in; and I knew they'd lay for us the third
night, and consider it was THEIR turn now. Well, it IS their turn, and I'd
give something to know how much they'd take for it. I WOULD just like to
know how they're putting in their opportunity. They can turn it into a
picnic if they want to-they brought plenty provisions."
Them rapscallions took in four hundred and sixtyfive dollars in that
three nights. I never see money hauled in by the wagon-load like that
before. By and by, when they was asleep and snoring, Jim says:
"Don't it s'prise you de way dem kings carries on, Huck?"
"No," I says, "it don't."
"Why don't it, Huck?"
"Well, it don't, because it's in the breed. I reckon they're all alike,"
"But, Huck, dese kings o' ourn is reglar rapscallions; dat's jist what
dey is; dey's reglar rapscallions."
"Well, that's what I'm a-saying; all kings is mostly rapscallions, as
fur as I can make out."
"Is dat so?"
"You read about them once-you'll see. Look at Henry the Eight; this 'n
's a Sunday-school Superintendent to HIM. And look at Charles Second, and
Louis Fourteen, and Louis Fifteen, and James Second, and Edward Second,
and Richard Third, and forty more; besides all them Saxon heptarchies that
used to rip around so in old times and raise Cain. My, you ought to seen
old Henry the Eight when he was in bloom. He WAS a blossom. He used to
marry a new wife every day, and chop off her head next morning. And he
would do it just as indifferent as if he was ordering up eggs. 'Fetch up
Nell Gwynn,' he says. They fetch her up. Next morning, 'Chop off her
head!' And they chop it off. 'Fetch up Jane Shore,' he says; and up she
comes, Next morning, 'Chop off her head'-and they chop it off. 'Ring up
Fair Rosamun.' Fair Rosamun answers the bell. Next morning, 'Chop off her
head.' And he made every one of them tell him a tale every night; and he
kept that up till he had hogged a thousand and one tales that way, and
then he put them all in a book, and called it Domesday Book-which was a
good name and stated the case. You don't know kings, Jim, but I know them;
and this old rip of ourn is one of the cleanest I've struck in history.
Well, Henry he takes a notion he wants to get up some trouble with this
country. How does he go at it-give notice?-give the country a show? No.
All of a sudden he heaves all the tea in Boston Harbor overboard, and
whacks out a declaration of independence, and dares them to come on. That
was HIS style-he never give anybody a chance. He had suspicions of his
father, the Duke of Wellington. Well, what did he do? Ask him to show up?
No-drownded him in a butt of mamsey, like a cat. S'pose people left money
laying around where he was-what did he do? He collared it. S'pose he
contracted to do a thing, and you paid him, and didn't set down there and
see that he done it-what did he do? He always done the other thing. S'pose
he opened his mouth-what then? If he didn't shut it up powerful quick he'd
lose a lie every time. That's the kind of a bug Henry was; and if we'd a
had him along 'stead of our kings he'd a fooled that town a heap worse
than ourn done. I don't say that ourn is lambs, because they ain't, when
you come right down to the cold facts; but they ain't nothing to THAT old
ram, anyway. All I say is, kings is kings, and you got to make allowances.
Take them all around, they're a mighty ornery lot. It's the way they're
raised."
"But dis one do SMELL so like de nation, Huck."
"Well, they all do, Jim. We can't help the way a king smells; history
don't tell no way."
"Now de duke, he's a tolerble likely man in some ways."
"Yes, a duke's different. But not very different. This one's a middling
hard lot for a duke. When he's drunk there ain't no near-sighted man could
tell him from a king."
"Well, anyways, I doan' hanker for no mo' un um, Huck. Dese is all I
kin stan'."
"It's the way I feel, too, Jim. But we've got them on our hands, and we
got to remember what they are, and make allowances. Sometimes I wish we
could hear of a country that's out of kings."
What was the use to tell Jim these warn't real kings and dukes? It
wouldn't a done no good; and, besides, it was just as I said: you couldn't
tell them from the real kind.
I went to sleep, and Jim didn't call me when it was my turn. He often
done that. When I waked up just at daybreak he was sitting there with his
head down betwixt his knees, moaning and mourning to himself. I didn't
take notice nor let on. I knowed what it was about. He was thinking about
his wife and his children, away up yonder, and he was low and homesick;
because he hadn't ever been away from home before in his life; and I do
believe he cared just as much for his people as white folks does for
their'n. It don't seem natural, but I reckon it's so. He was often moaning
and mourning that way nights, when he judged I was asleep, and saying,
"Po' little 'Lizabeth! po' little Johnny! it's mighty hard; I spec' I
ain't ever gwyne to see you no mo', no mo'!" He was a mighty good nigger,
Jim was.
But this time I somehow got to talking to him about his wife and young
ones; and by and by he says:
"What makes me feel so bad dis time 'uz bekase I hear sumpn over yonder
on de bank like a whack, er a slam, while ago, en it mine me er de time I
treat my little 'Lizabeth so ornery. She warn't on'y 'bout fo' year ole,
en she tuck de sk'yarlet fever, en had a powful rough spell; but she got
well, en one day she was a-stannin' aroun', en I says to her, I says:
"'Shet de do'.'
"She never done it; jis' stood dah, kiner smilin' up at me. It make me
mad; en I says agin, mighty loud, I says:
"'Doan' you hear me? Shet de do'!'
"She jis stood de same way, kiner smilin' up. I was a-bilin'! I says:
"'I lay I MAKE you mine!'
"En wid dat I fetch' her a slap side de head dat sont her a-sprawlin'.
Den I went into de yuther room, en 'uz gone 'bout ten minutes; en when I
come back dah was dat do' a-stannin' open YIT, en dat chile stannin' mos'
right in it, a-lookin' down and mournin', en de tears runnin' down. My,
but I WUZ mad! I was a-gwyne for de chile, but jis' den-it was a do' dat
open innerds-jis' den, 'long come de wind en slam it to, behine de chile,
ker-BLAM!-en my lan', de chile never move'! My breff mos' hop outer me; en
I feel so-so-I doan' know HOW I feel. I crope out, all a-tremblin', en
crope aroun' en open de do' easy en slow, en poke my head in behine de
chile, sof' en still, en all uv a sudden I says POW! jis' as loud as I
could yell. SHE NEVER BUDGE! Oh, Huck, I bust out a-cryin' en grab her up
in my arms, en say, 'Oh, de po' little thing! De Lord God Amighty fogive
po' ole Jim, kaze he never gwyne to fogive hisself as long's he live!' Oh,
she was plumb deef en dumb, Huck, plumb deef en dumb-en I'd ben atreat'n
her so!"